My Mom’s New Neighbors Are a Nightmare. I Think It’s Time to Go Nuclear on Them. (2024)

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My mom decided to downsize very abruptly a few months ago. She ended up moving into a house in the neighborhood of one of her best friends, Betty. Betty was very insistent that my mother should move and it ended up being a good fit for my mom. I am staying with my mom temporarily. The new house is fine, but there is one problem with the neighborhood: Betty and her family. I have never had more disruptive or inconsiderate neighbors. Her kids are always over and have very loud hobbies, now all outdoors because of the weather. We live a few houses away and can hear when they do anything outside. I recently went on one of the local apps to search for some new furniture and found out that most of the neighbors hate them. They say they let their trash blow into everybody else’s yard and that they will blare their car radios at all hours of the night and morning. I’m starting to realize that the only time we’ve been over to Betty’s has been for parties, and they were incredibly disruptive at those times, too, I just never really thought about what it must be like for their neighbors.

My last straw was when they decided to light a barrage of loud fireworks for no reason at all. That is illegal at this point in the year, as we are nowhere near the 4th of July. I asked my mom to talk to Betty about it, and she refused. I like Betty just fine, but I cannot believe someone is so clueless as to the disruption they are causing to all of their neighbors. I honestly don’t think her kids or husband would even take my annoyance to heart (they are surly), and I think Betty would just play it off. I also don’t feel super comfortable talking to Betty in the first place. Based on all of these factors, I am considering writing an anonymous note warning them that I will call the cops. Some of my friends say this is a bit overboard. What do you think I should do?

—Sick of the Noise

Dear Sick,

It would be more than fair to send an anonymous note letting Betty and her family know that you will call the police the next time they are disruptive. This way, you don’t have to risk creating tension between your mom and her friend. If things don’t improve after warning them, call the police. You and your neighbors should not have to deal with Betty’s family’s shenanigans. Don’t let your mother know what you intend to do; she will likely try to stop you and may even tell Betty that you’re the one who reported her

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My 5.5-year-old is home for his first summer break ever. We are taking him out of preschool/daycare in mid-June and have day camps lined up for most of the weeks that are between 2-3 hours per day, Monday-Thursday. My husband and I work from home and have a lot of flexibility during the summer months.

My concern is that my kiddo has been in daycare since basically birth (thanks, American parental leave) and definitely thrives on routines and predicable flows of the day. Do you have tips on setting up a routine for the summer months or how to best transition a daycare kid to summer (sort of) freedom? He’s active, will decently play on his own-ish, but is also used to being with his buddies at preschool all day, so isn’t super used to going solo.

—Summer Madness

Dear Summer Madness,

Creating daily routines will help your son adjust to his new normal. Wake him up and serve him breakfast at the same time each day. Schedule things like trips to the park, long walks, and arts and crafts time to occur routinely after day camp so he has a sense of what to expect. If you can, try to have his lunch and naps take place around the same time he would be having them at daycare. Talk to him about what you will be doing and when. Not every day will be the same and that’s okay! It’s good for him to learn to be adaptable to change. As far as being used to seeing other children at preschool, he’ll get that experience with kids at camp. If you can, try and schedule some playdates with his classmates so he can enjoy spending time with familiar faces. This summer is a wonderful opportunity for your son to strengthen his bond with his parents and to enjoy new experiences, including entertaining himself at times, and I think you will find that it will involve less of an adjustment than you’re anticipating.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I am trying to encourage my two children to have a healthy relationship with food, but it is hard because my sister feeds her three kids nothing but crap. Everything is deep-fried, fast food, or just processed sugar. I don’t think there is a fruit or veggie in their house. I try to sympathize with my sister because she is a single mom working two jobs, but she drives me up the wall when she caves to her kids. I watch them every day after school and often on weekends because she works. The kids claim I am “starving” them because they have apple slices and oranges to snack on rather than chips. It gets worse if I cook dinner; her kids refuse everything from lasagna to pork chops because they know their mother will cave and get them fast food. It is not only insulting but wasteful! I have tried talking to my sister about this, but she just gives me the brush off and says it isn’t worth fighting her kids on the subject. I am tired of how this is impacting my children. My husband thinks if my sister can’t get her kids to behave better for us then she needs to make other childcare arrangements. I don’t want to draw that line in the sand yet, but come on, our parents made us eat our veggies or we didn’t get dessert. My sister just gives them dessert! What to do?

—Healthy Living

Dear Healthy Living,

While I do understand why you are hesitant to terminate your arrangement with your sister, I think that you should require that things change a bit in order for you to keep caring for them. Let her know that you simply cannot deal with them rejecting all the food you put before them and that you are not going to stop offering them healthy foods when they are under your watch. Ask her to talk to them about how they behave when you present them with food and explain how their actions impact your children. Put your foot down! You shouldn’t tolerate their insolence any further, but you can allow them the opportunity to weigh in on what sort of snacks and meals they would prefer. Take them to the grocery store and allow them to identify the healthier snacks and meals that they’d be willing to eat. If they can’t adapt, their mother will simply have to make other plans for them. You shouldn’t be wasting your money on food that will go uneaten just because they won’t eat anything that isn’t junk.

Dear Care and Feeding,

My best friend, who I’ve known my whole life (next-door neighbors as kids) and consider my sister, is racist. She is dark-skinned of Dominican, Puerto Rican, and Guatemalan heritage. She is racist against Black people and Indians. Unfortunately, she has taught her children (15,14,11) to also be racist. Her husband stays out of it, even though his son is half-black. He’s outnumbered, living with his in-laws who are also very racist. It bothers me tremendously to see my nieces and nephew becoming racists. We live in New Jersey where there’s lots of diversity. I don’t think they even realize that if they went to Kentucky, for example (sorry Kentucky), then they would know what true racism is and how hurtful it is. What can I do, if anything, to stop these young kids from being racist? I’ve have talked to my friend about this many times over the years, long before the kids came. She brushes it off as a joke or that it’s “truth” and gets mad. Her kids are now doing the same. What can I do?

—It’s Not Okay

Dear It’s Not Okay,

The great irony here is that in the eyes of most people, your friend is Black; while there are plenty of dark-complexioned Latino people who deny their Black heritage, their color is evidence that they are of African descent. I’m not sure if you’ve clocked that and referred to her children as “half-Black” for that reason, or if her husband is Black. Unfortunately, it wouldn’t be surprising if he is Black himself, as there are plenty of racist people with partners of color.

What I am hearing is that you have been friends with a racist for years, and that her negative attitudes about Black and Indian people have not prevented you from paling around with her. You should do some self-reflection on that; when we allow bigoted people to remain in our lives—and she’s not a relative, so you have chosen to have her around—we are essentially giving them a pass to be hateful. Continuing your friendship with this woman is an endorsem*nt of her beliefs, even if you challenge her on them. Racists need consequences and should be socially isolated from people who do not share their views. If you continue your relationship with her, which I imagine you will because you ae as close as sisters, she won’t learn the lesson she’d get if you were to say “I can no longer be your friend if you continue to say these hateful things about people of color.”

Do you spend time with your friend’s kids in her absence? If so, talk to them about racism and provide them with a perspective they won’t get from their mom (and perhaps even from their dad; he’s clearly henpecked, self-hating, or just plain complicit). Explain to them that their Black heritage is something to be proud of and that they shouldn’t judge other Black people poorly, nor should they look down on any other ethnic group. Acknowledge that their mother feels differently and explain that you simply feel it is important to talk to them about these things.
Hopefully, they will reflect on your words and take them seriously.

—Jamilah

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